Sunday, August 20, 2006

oh it has begun...

liIn the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...

Oh dear you look so lost,
Eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains, oh yeah

- Augustana, Boston

yeah. it has begun.
it's the end of the second week of school
and the stress is upon me.
i met up with mustaffa and rizal at IAX camp yesterday.
we talked of FYP
of what subjects were definite killers.
and then, the possibilities of an honours next july.

then, it just swirled about in my head.
yeah, i know i began ntu with the aim of being a math teacher.
i never wanted engineering.
i never wanted mechanical engineering
i never wanted aeronautical specialization
what am i doing here?

then i found myself regretting.
regretting i never put in enough effort the past 3 years.
suddenly the honours mattered to me.
why?
i'm not sure myself.
i used to be contented with just a degree at the end of my 4 years.
JUST a degree.
you don't need much to teach sec school math yeah?

"what grade did you get for your Attachment?"
i answered.
"gooood... so now just maintain it for the rest of the year..."
"what? i'm not capable to do that..."
"you should if you wanna get honours...now's the time to collect your As and Bs..."

honours now seem so far-fetched.
my previous years' grades were the bare minimum for me to get promoted to the following year.

it's scary when something you thought didn't matter
suddenly becomes the focus, the worry, the thing you think about most.
sometimes, i'd just stop myself and say, yeah, the honours won't matter.
would they really want a girl engineer?
a muslim girl engineer?
would i really wanna waste my time attempting to be an engineer
when teaching is what i'm meant to do?

but i won't be feeling this way if teaching is really what i wanna do.

"don't worry about your grades now, or what you wanna do after graduation.
what you should worry about is whether you're doing your best.
just do your best. rezeki di tangan Tuhan."

i think i've been doing my best.
my best's just not good enough.
well.
maybe it's not my best.
but it's kinda hard to do your best in something you're never passionate about.

on a happier note, IAX was a great one-day camp.
yanto & his team did a great job, and i was very proud of him.
very impressive.

IAX is islamic awareness external,
a day camp for pri 4 madrasah irsyad kids
to learn about science, and how it relates to Islam.
:)
fun, but as tiring as 1st day FOC.
this is a pic of the group i facilitated...
*NORAD*

just completed my summary of FYP concepts and emailed to the prof.
i'm missing the care-free days of IA.
i miss watching coupling.
i miss TV.

now it's all boundary layers and Reynolds numbers and continuity equations.
fluid mechanics is so hard!
:(

Sunday, August 20, 2006

oh it has begun...

9:19 PM

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